Thursday, October 26, 2006

Feeling the heat

“Package for you,” said the delivery man, thrusting his electronic notepad into my hands. “Nice day,” he added, as I scrawled my name onto the screen, and accepted a brown package.
“Is it?” I asked, feeling like Eeyore without a tail. From where I was standing, this day was anything but nice. Without even breaking the seal of the cardboard I knew the contents would be disastrous for me and the kids. At the start of half term, the last thing we wanted was another 'expert' book on climate change, spelling out how quickly the planet was combusting and how we were responsible. This innocent little package of words would cast a cancerous shadow over the whole holiday week, by plunging Carbonlite into one of his global depressions. As far as I was concerned we'd only just recovered from James Lovelock's assault on our consciences and household working practices.

The first signs of panic followed the same day, as switches around the house, as if by magic, turned to 'off,'and when I went to take the Carboncopies' tea out of the oven, it was still frozen. Next the Carbonbaby was plunged into a bath only an inch deep, and then followed a whole evening fretting about why the water butt isn't connected to the toilet to flush away the water, rather than taking water from the system. Well what's the point in fretting about that? "You're an engineer aren't you?" I told Carbonlite, "either invent a new system or just enjoy the fact you have water at all. Some people don't, you know."

By the next day, Carbonlite's grey mood had turned into a black smog, enveloping us all and strangling any surviving holiday feelings. A morning of criticisms and interference was followed by a public enquiry into why I'd ruined the bedroom quilt cover. I explained my reasons for dyeing the pale blue cover to match a burgundy room, saving the planet from the manufacture of yet another burgundy quilt cover, but my protestations held no sway. It developed into a full on row in front of the oldest Carboncopy, at the end of which I threw my magazine into his face and stormed out of the house in tears, straight into my neighbour. "I can't cope with it any more. This whole planet can bloody well burn to a frazzle and take him with it." I told the elderly gentleman, whose gentle smile turned to a look of terror.

Over dinner, I gave Carbonlite an ultimatum. "Deal with what you're reading or don't read it at all. Find a way of coping with it. The only way you're using this information is as a weapon against me,and I won't stick around to be gunned down by all your dogma." He attempted to protest, informing me I was in denial, just like most of the planet. "The main emission in this house isn't CO2, it's your anger," I told him. He stormed off, book in hand, feeling the heat of my anger.

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