Stop...thief!

A thief has ransacked our house, stealing all the light. I kid you not. I arrived home from picking up the kids from school last week and snapped on the light in the hall. No response. Dodgy bulb. I ransacked the kitchen cupboard for a new one. All gone! Where was our massive emergency supply of Asda price Screw in bulbs? I padded back out to the hall where strangely the bulb was now glowing brightly. This repeated itself at bedtime when my son turned on his light for a story. Hardly anything at all, just a smidgeon of orangey yellow straining through the shade. My three year old began to cry. "I told you to eat up your carrots," I lectured, unable to resist turning an energy crisis into an educational moment. After painfully stepping on a bit of lego on the way to the centre of the room, I inspected further. There was a bulb, and it was undoubtedly on, but it was one of those energy saving ones and it was saving extra energy by being only sixty watts strong. Carbonlite became the main suspect. I cornered him by mobile phone on a train and shouted loud enough for the whole carriage to hear.
"You've stolen all the light," you miserable b*****d scrooge."
Even through the phone his grin lit up the living room. "Just cutting the carbs, to protect the environment for our children."
"I'll cut off more than your carbs and you'll never see the children again if you don't hand over the bulbs." But even as I spoke, I knew it was futile. The bulbs would be long gone, probably enjoying a recycling orgy at our local landfill site. I slammed down the phone and decided to substitute caffeine for anger. But as I scanned the rack of kitchen spotlights to check he hadn't pulled a fast one there, I realised one was missing. A quick check revealed he'd done the same with the halogen decorative lights in the living room and the mirror light in the bathroom; no doubt he intends to scour the capital for energy saving replacements.

I sat down to write this posting and anger turned to guilt. Carbonlite is doing his best to conserve energy, the planet is in desperate need of saving, and all the cute polar bears will end up in Tring museum unless we all do our individual bit. But then I found I couldn't see my desk. I am William sodding Shakespeare, trying to create timeless masterpieces by candlight. As I type I realise three things; although so close to Valentines Day this posting is no love sonnet; I definitely should have eaten more carrots; and when carbonlite comes in with his stepladder, I'm going to punch his lights out.